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The birds are chirping looking so carefree. I wish I felt that free at the moment. There is another storm in my heart today. Marriage. Mom started talking about me getting married soon. Ya, like I'm ever going to get married. I believe that in order to get married, one should be in love. I think I'm too selfish a person to ever love somebody. In any case, who will ever fall in love with me? No, I'm trapped here and I'm happy. I will not be trapped again. How can I love with one person for my entire life? No, marriage is definitely not an option for me.
I cannot imagine my life without my family, but it's seriously times like these that I want to go back to university. Although I hate the cold, the snow energizes me and I become excited as though I'm waiting for something to happen. But that something never happens. Oh, but it does! The snow clings to the trees as if holding on and thinking of never letting go. It's ironic how I can relate every single moment, every single feeling to my own life. Clinging to hope, clinging to the last thread of hope. Never letting go.
I better hurry back. We're heading home in an hour or two.
She stood up and looked at the most scenic view she could imagine. The birds were on the trees, the sun was at its wildest and the flowers were blooming through and through. The cliff looking very inviting yet daring. Daring to dream.
She crept back to the house and quickly packed her things. She looked outside the window again. In this wilderness was where she belonged; untamed wilderness.
She heard her mother scream for her from downstairs. She grabbed her bag and dragged it there. Her family was waiting for her so that they could return to where they belonged. She looked at her two older brothers with pride bursting in her heart. Her eldest brother, Karan, had hazed eyes and brown, unkempt hair. His hair was naturally like that. Karan had tried to calm them but to no avail. He was a very successful electric engineer at home in metropolitan Delhi. He would turn 25 in a few months and was about to get engaged. It would be a love marriage. It surprised her very much since she did not think that her brother was capable of that kind of love. He proved everyone wrong by bringing a gorgeous Canadian Indian home and by asking for approval from their parents. Of course everyone was very pleased with his choice, Nandini.
Her elder brother, Kavya, was the genius and was the wild one. He did not care about anything as long as he got his way. Fortunately for him, he did not feel smothered the way his younger sister felt. He had dark brown eyes and very straight hair which was currently military short. There was the look in his eyes that seemed to say 'stop me if you dare'. She knew her brother was capable of anything. He had two years of med school left. No one doubted his abilities even for a moment. He was dressed in his favorite attire; tracks and a t-shirt. Karan, on the other hand, was a more formally dressed person. He was usually in shirts and trousers.
Their younger sister was always a mixture of them both. Her favorite attire was jeans and a t-shirt; the semi casual type. She always made the analogy that Karan loved just jam on his bread, Kavya loved butter whereas she loved both butter and jam on hers. This was how most of her was; a mixture of both her brothers, yet very different from them.
She was studying Accounting and Finance with a minor in Psychology. She added Psychology as a minor when she was a sophomore. She loved that subject too much to let it go. She was amazed when her cousin, Ruchi, told her that she was made for Psychology and that she would enjoy it. That was precisely what had happened. In that way, her dad's and her ambitions would be satisfied simultaneously.
Her mother, Gayatri, was the shortest in the family. She was a sweet tempered lady who adored her children but could never tell them that. Once her children all left for college, she joined her husband Surya at work. Surya was a shopkeeper and a plump man. They moved from Nainital to Delhi when they got married. They worked day and night to support their children. Fortunately, things got better for them financially in the past two years as Karan brought great income to the family too. They had just moved to a bigger house last year and everyone was excited about that.
They had gone to Goa for vacation. They all had had a splendid time. Gayatri and Surya had a very relaxing holiday. Karan and Kavya had quality bonding time and she, like always, was left alone. It was not that her brothers didn't love her, it was just the fact that she was the only girl from the three siblings. They had other ideas of having a fun time than her. Therefore, what did she do? She wandered around thinking as always. The only change she had this summer was that she began writing.
They carried their luggage to their new car, a hot red jeep Grand Cherokee. She had an obsession with big cars. The quality of the music was wonderful and the speed reckless. She sat in between her brothers and immediately fell asleep. She could not stay awake when she was in a moving vehicle.
The next thing she heard was, 'Kripa, Kripa, wake up. We're home.' Gayatri looked at her daughter and smiled. She will never change, Gayatri thought. Kripa finally woke up and stretched out of the car.
'Good morning Mama, I fell asleep again.'
Gayatri shook her head, 'It's still night time, Kripa. I'll fix you guys a meal, then you can go and sleep.' Kripa mumbled that she was not hungry and stepped in their home. It was a beautiful house. The kitchen, living room and the guest room were downstairs. Everyone's rooms were upstairs. She trudged up the spiral staircase, screamed goodnight to her family and headed towards her room. Her room was the last in the row and had a personal balcony. She remembered the nights she spent outside gazing at the stars. She opened her room and let out a sigh of relief. She scanned her room and smiled. Its color was lavender and so were most of the things in it. She liked the color but if she had her own way, she would have painted all the walls a different color.
There was a huge white canopy bed in the center where she went and fell. It was filled with the plushiest pillows and a few teddy bears. Her favorite was a dog which was given to her from Karan for her middle school graduation. She grabbed her notebook from her bag and began writing.
How I would have loved to see the magical scenery on our way back. The sunlight was fighting with dark, ominous clouds to get to the Earth so that the beautiful flowers can bloom with joy, the water can splash off the waterfalls to create a musical sounds which tingles in all the ears that it falls on. That is magic.
But I cannot stay awake in a moving vehicle. There have been many times when I tried to stay awake but to no avail. The moment my eyes shut, I start dreaming. Dreams that I should not be having. Dreams that I do not believe in. I dream of the perfect guy who loves me unconditionally; but my heart knows there is no guy like that. I am content with the love I get from my family. This is all I want, all I can hope for.
I would rather see nature at its best, because I know that, at least, is real. And wild. How I wish I could become wild like that. Run around with no one to stop me. How similar I am to the wild. Everyone wants to tame the wild. They may remove the wilderness, but the very ground they walk on is wild. Likewise, everyone may suppress my wilderness but deep within my heart, I know it stays.
When will everyone know who I am and what I want to be? Am I to live with this suffocation for my entire life? Good thing that I believe in reincarnation. If not in this life, the life after this. If not that life, the life after that. It's ironic what I have done to my life. If I want I can get away from all of this, I can. But there are chains tied to my heart. I can hope, I can dream but I cannot fulfill them. I am not complaining though. I do enjoy my life, but it will be better if I remove this imaginary barrier. I should search for myself and I should not let myself get lost. No, I will not lose my identity. It may be hidden, but I will not lose it.
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