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HARRY-GINNY fanfic IS THIS LOVE?

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Adwaita

Senior Member

Adwaita

Joined: 22 November 2008

Posts: 280

Posted: 20 December 2008 at 4:57am | IP Logged
Hi everyone,
I am new here! I have just started to write a HP fanfic n i thought of posting it here so tht i cud get others' opinions abt tht....
so plz plz have a look at it and post ur views, comments n suggestions! m eagerly waiting for them!!! hope u like it... I'll post more if u do...

CHAPTER ONE:
ALL WAS WELL'

Harry was so tired by the time they got back to the Gryffindor common room, which was now damaged and was not as cozy as it was a few hours ago, that he didn't even notice himself climbing up to the boys' dormitory and collapsing into his four-poster bed. He summoned Kreacher sleepily and told him to bring a sandwich for him. He hadn't even finished eating when sleep overpowered him and he curled up in the bed, not aware of his glasses, his injuries and his torn cloths. The last sound he heard before sleeping was snoring from Ron, who was deep in sleep, being equally tired.

********************************************************************************************


Harry awoke next morning and rubbed his eyes, but didn't get up. He looked sideways at Ron's bed and saw that he was still fast asleep. Wondering whether he should wake him up or not, he lied in the bed for a long time. The previous day flashed in front of his eyes. Breaking in Gringotts, apparating in Hogsmeade, Aberforth, meeting DA members, searching for Ravenclaw's tiara, the Room of Requirement, Fred's death'his stomach lurched painfully, death of Severus Snape'another painful lurch, Lupin and Tonks dying'another lurch.
Enough! He told himself firmly. It is not at all your fault'there's no need to feel guilty. But it was not going to be that easy, after all. He felt a great weight in his stomach and wished he had a pensieve to put all the bitter thoughts away. Next to him, Ron stirred and woke up. For a moment he stared blankly at Harry as though sure it is a dream and then he got up.


"Er'Harry?"

"Good morning!" Harry tried to say cheerfully.

"Er'yeah, morning!" said Ron weakly.
A moment went in silence.

"Are you all right?" both said at once and then smiled.

 

None of them spoke while they dressed up rather absent-mindedly and Ron, anxiously. They slowly went down in the common room to be greeted by the students. Hermione joined them and the trio went to the grounds, none speaking.

They reached the lake and sat under a tree. After a while, Harry got up and began walking slowly on the edge of the lake. The flashes of the battle again came over him but he didn't resist them. He remembered watching the memories of Snape, taking in the fact that he was to be dead, walking to the forest and facing Voldemort, meeting Dumbledore at the King's cross and finally, watching Voldemort fall down, dead.

As he recalled the death of Voldemort and talking to Dumbledore's portrait, he felt a bit better. Turning, he saw Hermione crying silently in Ron's chest while Ron gave her a comforting hug and silent tears trickled down his own face. Harry felt alone, as he ever felt while watching his best friends close together, lost in themselves. But then he rushed towards them and put his arms around them and started crying himself. The deadly burden in his stomach seemed to lessen somehow.

 

********************************************************************************************

Harry didn't know how much time they spent near the lake, but when they returned to the school, it was nearly the lunchtime. Everybody was gathered in the great hall and looked cheerful except for them whose relatives or friends had died in the war. Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with the other two and the three of them began eating against their minds. Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were sitting there along with Bill, Charlie, Percy, George and Ginny, who all looked like they have cried all through the night. Harry couldn't look at Ginny, who was eating as though she was forced to.

"Look, everyone'" Harry tried to speak and everyone was startled.

"I'I'm really, really sorry'I'" but the rest of his words were drowned by several voices.

"Oh, Harry!"

"Harry, dear,"

"Harry, don't be silly."

"No one is blaming you, mate."

"Yeah, you're just'"

"Harry," Mr. Weasley was speechless.

There were so many comforting words that Harry realized that the weight in his stomach had completely gone. He felt very much better. Hermione was looking at him anxiously; he tried to smile to her and was happy to see that he succeeded.

 

She smiled back rather weakly and they continued their lunch grudgingly.

 

********************************************************************************************




Edited by Adwaita - 15 May 2009 at 3:11am

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shellytt

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shellytt

Joined: 27 January 2006

Posts: 908

Posted: 20 December 2008 at 11:04am | IP Logged
Nice. There are a few grammatical errors- nothing that can't be fixed, but overall a really nice story.

Continue soon. Thumbs UpSmile

~sweet_4_U~

Senior Member

~sweet_4_U~

Joined: 18 November 2008

Posts: 359

Posted: 20 December 2008 at 12:48pm | IP Logged
nice story! do cont soon!
 
-Shriya

Adwaita

Senior Member

Adwaita

Joined: 22 November 2008

Posts: 280

Posted: 20 December 2008 at 2:11pm | IP Logged
hey guyz, thank u very much for commenting...
n whenever u spot a mistake, plz tell me abt it freely...so tht i can improve the story...so, what r the grammatical errors?
n i'll continue asap...thx!

chhilt

IF-Rockerz

chhilt

Joined: 07 January 2008

Posts: 6450

Posted: 21 December 2008 at 1:48am | IP Logged
Wonderful story! Since you said that it would be helpful if someone pointed out the minor errors here are as many as i could find...
 
when sleep overpowered him and he curled up in the bed, not aware of his glasses, his injuries and his torn cloths.  It should be clothes.
 
last sound he heard before sleeping was snoring from Ron, who was deep in sleep, being equally tired.

Correction: The last sound he heard before he fell asleep was Ron snoring. He was deeply asleep as he was equally tired as Harry.

Wondering whether he should wake him up or not, he lied in the bed for a long time. It should be lay in bed for a long time.
 
apparating in Hogsmeade. Apparating should be capitalized.
 
Enough! He told himself firmly. It is not at all your fault…there's no need to feel guilty. But it was not going to be that easy, after all.
 
Correction: "Enough!" he told himself firmly. "It isn't your fault at all... there's no need to feel guilty." However, it was not going to be easy after all. (I changed the "but" to "however" because it's a rule in English that you never start a sentence with "but" or "because" unless it's in dialogue.)
 
For a moment he stared blankly at Harry as though sure it is a dream and then he got up. It should be though he was sure it was a dream.

None of them spoke while they dressed up rather absent-mindedly and Ron, anxiously

Correction: Neither of them spoke as they got dressed, Harry rather absent-mindedly and Ron anxiously. (I'm not sure that my correction is right either... I'm not too happy with what I've changed here... maybe you can ask Shellytt to look this one over.)

They slowly went down in the common room to be greeted by the students. Hermione joined them and the trio went to the grounds, none speaking.

Correction: They slowly went down to the common room where they were greeted by students. Hermione joined them and the trio went down to the grounds, neither of them speaking.

After a while, Harry got up and began walking slowly on the edge of the lake.

Correction: After a while, Harry got up and began to walk slowly at the edge of the lake.
 
The flashes of the battle again came over him but he didn't resist them.

Correction: Flashes of the battle flickered across his eyes but he didn't resist them.

He remembered watching the memories of Snape, taking in the fact that he was to be dead, walking to the forest and facing Voldemort, meeting Dumbledore at the King's cross and finally, watching Voldemort fall down, dead.

Correction: He remembered watching Snape's memories, aking in the fact that he died soon after. He remembered walking to the forest, facing Voldemort, meeting Dumbledore at King's Cross and finally, watching Voldemort fall down, dead.

As he recalled the death of Voldemort and talking to Dumbledore's portrait, he felt a bit better. It should be recalled Voldemort's death.

Harry felt alone, as he ever felt while watching his best friends close together

Correction: There's something not quite right about this sentence but I can't put my finger on it... I'll get back to it.

Harry didn't know how much time they spent near the lake, but when they returned to the school, it was nearly the lunchtime.

Correction: Harry didn't know how much time they spent near the lake but when they returned to the castle, it was nearly lunchtime.

Everybody was gathered in the great hall and looked cheerful except for them whose relatives or friends had died in the war.

Correction: Everybody was gathered in the Great Hall and looked cheerful except for those whose relatives or friends had died in the war.

Harry sat at the Gryffindor table with the other two and the three of them began eating against their minds. It should be against their will.

Mrs. Weasley and Mr. Weasley were sitting there along with Bill, Charlie, Percy, George and Ginny, who all looked like they have cried all through the night. It should be had.

Harry couldn't look at Ginny, who was eating as though she was being forced to. I added a word there.

"Look, everyone…" Harry tried to speak and everyone was startled. It should be looked.

"I…I'm really, really sorry…I…" but the rest of his words were drowned by several voices.
Correction: "I…I'm really, really sorry…I…" he started to say but the rest of his words were drowned by several voices.

Hermione was looking at him anxiously; he tried to smile to her and was happy to see that he succeeded. It should be at.

These are the minor errors that I managed to spot in your story.... I read it once again with an extremely critical eye since you wanted the errors pointed out... Apart from this, I wanted to say that I think that your story is very interesting so far. I'll be looking forward to reading the next chapter! Please update soon!


 
 

 

 


Adwaita

Senior Member

Adwaita

Joined: 22 November 2008

Posts: 280

Posted: 21 December 2008 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
whoa! so many mistakes... i should improve my english a lot it seems... thank u for pointing it out!!!
well, shall i continue then?

cityoflights

IF-Veteran Member

cityoflights

Joined: 11 September 2008

Posts: 12823

Posted: 21 December 2008 at 6:53pm | IP Logged
Of course you should continue!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have much more mistakes in my writing then yours, and your story is bloody brillant!!!!! (lol)

chhilt

IF-Rockerz

chhilt

Joined: 07 January 2008

Posts: 6450

Posted: 22 December 2008 at 12:11pm | IP Logged
Originally posted by Adwaita

whoa! so many mistakes... i should improve my english a lot it seems... thank u for pointing it out!!!
well, shall i continue then?
 
Of course you should continue! True there were a lot of mistakes but I'm sure most of them were just typographical errors... and anyway, if you don't continue, how will you improve as a writer? And anyway, your story seems to have an interesting plot so I would love to read more!

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